It’s hard to believe I’ve been able to survive this week. I think it was one of the hardest weeks of my life (insert dramatic sigh & arm thrown across forehead here). I tried to get rid of everything I’m not supposed to eat for the next six weeks (by eating it all) before I jumped on this 6 week medieval torture train, but I still have half a jar of Nutella in my cabinet, and I swear I can hear it screaming my name at night. “EAT ME, BITCH! GRAB THAT SOUP SPOON AND DIVE IN, YOU CHOCOLATE WHORE! LICK IT LIKE YOU LOVE IT!” It hurts my heart when chocolate yells at me.
Good news is, I’m down 10.5 lbs. And that, my friends, is the ONLY thing keeping me going. Well, that and the discovery of chocolate extract, brown sugar twin, and pumpkin pie spice. If I didn’t have those three, I’d most likely be flavoring everything with beer (and probably Nutella, too) and justifying my actions by saying, “Well, it’s not fucking SALT, is it? That’s right! It’s NOT! Fuck YOU!”
Honestly, it’s the no salt and no dairy that’s killing me. Don’t tell Guinness & Jagermeister, but I think I’m breaking up with them, maybe for good. I admit I miss that head-rushy, stumbling, off-kilter feeling when we’re all three cuddled up on the couch squinting through the double-vision as we bawl through weepy chick-flicks while schkoffing bon-bons at night, but I surely do NOT miss the bloating and gas they leave behind under the covers when they sneak out in the morning. And I haven’t had any heartburn in 9 days. That’s kinda awesome.
Yeah… kinda awesome. Yeah.
Er, just out of curiosity, do they make salt-free, wheat-free, sugar-free beer and/or chocolate? And if so, who do I need to bribe/sleep with/beat up to get some?