Letters to Mother Nature

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Dear Tree Hugging Whore,

It’s only the beginning of July.  Turn on the fucking AC, you evil twat, before I punch you in the throat and stab you in your eyeball.  Please and thank you.

With sweaty regards,
The South

P.S.  The gentlemen of the South would like to kill thank you for their mossy balls. They make a haiku for that.

moldy, mossy balls
stinking up your underpants
no blow job for you

mother nature hates
all men’s balls, both big and small
bitch gon’ neuter you


Sunday funday? Not so much.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I hate it when someone promises me something and then backs down. I especially hate it when the broken promise was to come in early for work in order to relieve me. I’ve been here for over 10 hours now, after less than four hours of sleep, and I WANT TO FUCKING GO HOME ALREADY!!!

Aaaand… just as I was typing that she called and said her alarm didn’t go off and she’s on her way. Awesome. No one has to die.

Here’s some haiku to honor all you muthas!

(the first one’s dedicated to my brother who had to spend the day with preacher mom – better him than me! snort!)

preaching on sunday
does not a happy day make
pass me the muzzle

(and this one’s to me mum)

only mom i know
you didn’t give birth to me
you gave me much more


Bunnies! (with a side of taters)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter, Blogiverse!

I hope you’re enjoying your food induced coma while I’m slaving away at work on this beautiful Easter Sunday. You’re probably watching TV, too. I think you suck sooo much for not being here to share in my misery. I’ve been debating whether or not to use my corporate powers for evil and leave early. But I’ve got vacation coming up next week (WOOT!) so I’m trying to stick it out. Sigh. It’s hard. I really want to leave. I’ve got a terminal case of the ITIS. If you loved me, you’d pull the fire alarm. But you don’t love me. I want a divorce. Chocolate might make me love you again.

the bunneh cometh
and bringeth candied delights
he makes me arse fat

i like colored eggs
and bunnehs taste like chicken
or so kitteh says

One more week ’til Beltane! Anyone up for some sky-clad pole-dancin’? No?

may day approacheth
put ye celtic accent on
feeleth medieval!

lighting a bonfire
in the navel of ireland –
fertlization!

Chirp. I feel all eggy now.


Bathroom Curtains

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Crappy (pun intended) bathroom curtains.

Everytime I make a visit to the executive cubicle in the elimination oasis (that’s the handicap stall in the crapper), this is what I see. Looks like someone thinks all the ladies at work are horny lesbians thirsting for an unimpeded ogle at a bare naked va-jay-jay. Better cover your lady parts! If a lesbian gets a clear view of your nether jungle you’re sure to succumb to her homoerotic wiles! Hey, I wrote a haiku about your homophobia, dumbass!

peeking through my stall
if you see you might make me
want to lick carpet

Wait… maybe the decorator in question isn’t afraid of lesbians. Maybe she has a super-powered snatch. Maybe she’s worried someone will find out that a radioactive spider bit her down there (what was she doing naked in a roomful of experimental spiders?) and gifted her with the ability to shoot sticky, spider spooge from her lady cave! Ewwww! Keep those curtains closed, you webbed wacko! Haiku rewrite!

bug done bit my bush
maybe i’ll catch a manwhore
in my nether webs

I never take down the curtains. I’m not sure what that means.


Perpendicular Underwater Turns

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I’m blind as a bat. Well, blinder (shut up grammar nazis) than a bat because they have that whole sonar thing going on, and I don’t. But it would be really cool if I did, don’tcha think? I could hang my head out the window and emit high-pitched screeches (just like I do at work) to find my way ANYwhere! Imagine how annoyed and jealous the other drivers would be! I need to look into that. Must find evolutionary scientist to discuss the possibilities.

Ahem. The point is, I’m legally blind. If I lose my glasses, I can’t do anything

So I got a new pair of specs yesterday. But I have to wear bifocals in order to read (that’s what happens when you’re past forty, kids – see what you have to look forward to!). And my new frames are really cute and awesome, but kinda small and narrow. So that dang line in the bifocals is right in the middle of my eye. Seeing with these glasses is like looking underwater. Driving is a new experience – and not a good one because my history of driving underwater is limited (don’t ask).

My eyeball insurance covers regular bifocals, but not the progressive lenses (which don’t have a line you can see), so I figured I’d give the regular lenses a try. Sometimes the desire to save money influences me to make stupid decisions. Like that time I thought driving a lawn mower to work would save on gas (again, don’t ask).

I ended up forking over another $250 (and that’s with insurance! highway robbery!) for the progressive lenses. And I learned something: If you can’t see the road, your “saving money” philosophy is doomed to fail because you’ll probably run into a tree eventually. And tree repairs are costly, I hear.

So here’s some hump day haiku about driving underwater. And no, I don’t know what’s up with all the haiku lately. I must be going through puberty. Or maybe it’s pre-senile dementia.

blurry street signs make
me turn perpendicular
I don’t think that’s right…

middle of the road
stupid whore honking at me
can’t see the road, bitch!

think i’ll take a swim
in the walmart parking lot
no license needed


Suck this, beyotch!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

In honor of all things sharp and pointy I have decided that today is Terrifying Tuesday, and the terrifying(ly sexy) subject of the day is… Vampires. Who’s up for a bloddy hickey!

My vampire of the day is John Mitchell (played by Aidan Turner – soooo hot… want to touch the hiney…) from Being Human (the BBC versioin, not the SyFy version, which is a complete rip off of the BBC version becasuse the story lines are exactly the same but I still like it – so shut up).

Kiss me! I'm Irish!

That’s one fine lookin’ blood sucker.  Got a haiku about his pointy parts.

sinking to the ground
life draining from me to you
your lips ate my soul

Ohhh, Mitchell. You a sexah beast.  And you just inspired another haiku.

yo neck is purdy
I gots a stake in my pants
impale you wit wood


School is for fools! (Not really. But sometimes really.)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Firing people sucks.

Firing people who suck does not suck.

Here’s a really moronic way to get yourself fired.

Him: Hey, I’m gonna be late today. And I might need you to change my schedule.

Me: Ooook… why? (I’m thinking: “Oh, sure thing, guy! I’ll get right on that schedule change! You know, since you need it and all! What schedule would you like to have? Hey! Maybe you could just make your own schedule! How’s that sound, guy!)

Him: I’ve got class til 5pm on Mondays & Wednesdays.

Me: Uhhhh… since when?

Him: Since I signed up for classes 2 days ago.

Me:

Me: Let me get this straight. Knowing what your work schedule was, you signed up for a class that conflicts, and you’re telling me that every Monday & Wednesday from now until December you’re going to be 3 hours late to work? And you expect me to work around this because you asked nicely? Even though you never consulted with me or said anything to anyone about taking classes? And you think it’s okay for me to screw up everyone elses’ schedule to make this all work for you? Does that about sum it up?

Him: Yeah. Thanks.

Me: No. Thank you. (snort)

He doesn’t know it, but his last day is tomorrow. I thought I’d write a crappy haiku (or two) about him in honor of his unemployment.

gotta get to class
working for a living is
not my cup of tea

badge don’t work no more
dat bitch fire my stupid ass
unemployed i is

Poetic injustice at its worst best. You’re welcome.


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