Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!

So I started a new diet this weekend. And now I feel the need to buy stock in Depends. Seriously. I drink a lot of water anyway, but this diet has me drinking twice what I normally drink. I’m at work and I’ve had to RUN to the bathroom no less than 5 times so far. It’s that feeling like you might have to go, so you wait a little while, and then you know you have to go, but it’s not too, too bad. And then… then once you get to the toilet you’re about to pee your effin’ pants and can’t get them unzipped fast enough. I’ve had some close calls today, fer sure, man.

Am I the only person that happens to?

For the next six weeks, I’m giving up, salt, fat, and dairy. What this means (and I have to write it down again just to force myself to comprehend the magnitude of what I’ve gotten myself into) is that I can’t have: salt, olive oil, alcohol, bread, pasta, milk, yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, or eggs. These are the staples of LIFE, fer chrissakes! I mean, an average evening meal for me consists of Guinness, Jagermeister, bread/pasta (or both), cheese, and ice cream of some sort (to cleanse the palate, of course). Am I supposed to subsist on greenery alone?! That’s madness, I tell ya! I must’ve been out of my gourd to do this to myself! In fact, from looking at the other things I can’t have, I’m quite certain I must be cracked.

No diet soda unless it’s no sodium – I can live with that because I can have crystal lite. Canned or frozen meats & other veggies have to be NSA (no sodium added). So far, I’ve only found one place that carries NSA tuna, and one can was $4.29! Highway robbery! And do you know how bland most veggies taste without salt? Ugh! I never realized the amount of flavor a little amount of salt brings out in veggies until I tried them without. I need to make friends with Ms. Dash pronto. I’m three days in, and all I can think about is salt, beer, and cheeeeeeeese, glorious cheeeeese.

If the scales hadn’t shown a loss of 5 lbs this morning, I might be ordering a pizza & a six pack right now.


That sounds reeeeeeally good.

Bah! I don’t know if I can make it six days, much less six weeks!


2 Responses to Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!

  1. robinaltman says:

    Five pounds???? Sign me up! Salt? I don’t need no salt! What about french fries?

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