Perpendicular Underwater Turns

I’m blind as a bat. Well, blinder (shut up grammar nazis) than a bat because they have that whole sonar thing going on, and I don’t. But it would be really cool if I did, don’tcha think? I could hang my head out the window and emit high-pitched screeches (just like I do at work) to find my way ANYwhere! Imagine how annoyed and jealous the other drivers would be! I need to look into that. Must find evolutionary scientist to discuss the possibilities.

Ahem. The point is, I’m legally blind. If I lose my glasses, I can’t do anything

So I got a new pair of specs yesterday. But I have to wear bifocals in order to read (that’s what happens when you’re past forty, kids – see what you have to look forward to!). And my new frames are really cute and awesome, but kinda small and narrow. So that dang line in the bifocals is right in the middle of my eye. Seeing with these glasses is like looking underwater. Driving is a new experience – and not a good one because my history of driving underwater is limited (don’t ask).

My eyeball insurance covers regular bifocals, but not the progressive lenses (which don’t have a line you can see), so I figured I’d give the regular lenses a try. Sometimes the desire to save money influences me to make stupid decisions. Like that time I thought driving a lawn mower to work would save on gas (again, don’t ask).

I ended up forking over another $250 (and that’s with insurance! highway robbery!) for the progressive lenses. And I learned something: If you can’t see the road, your “saving money” philosophy is doomed to fail because you’ll probably run into a tree eventually. And tree repairs are costly, I hear.

So here’s some hump day haiku about driving underwater. And no, I don’t know what’s up with all the haiku lately. I must be going through puberty. Or maybe it’s pre-senile dementia.

blurry street signs make
me turn perpendicular
I don’t think that’s right…

middle of the road
stupid whore honking at me
can’t see the road, bitch!

think i’ll take a swim
in the walmart parking lot
no license needed


2 Responses to Perpendicular Underwater Turns

  1. robinaltman says:

    A line in the middle of my vision would make me nutso. I have a really light prescription, so I’ve been dodging reading glasses. Yet the damn books have to go farther and farther from my shnoz. The day looms ahead. I can feel it. You have my total sympathy.

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