Dear American Idol,
I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to the creamy, dreamy, gay hotness that is Adam Lambert. I would totally be his fag hag, and in fact, that’s the primary reason for my letter to you. Is there an application process for obtaining this position? If so, please email the appropriate forms to the provided address. I really think I would be the best candidate for this vocation, and to tell you the truth, after watching Adam shake it on stage, I feel it is my calling in life.
I have a great amount of experience in this line of work as I have many adoring homo friends who clamor relentlessly to be my beyotch, which generally ends in a cat fight in a bar parking lot with me either cackling or crying on the sidewalk. They’ve all done so much for me (shopping, hair, karaoke, shopping, gay cabaret, mani/pedi, shopping), I feel it’s time I gave back to them, and I truly believe serving as Adam’s fag hag is the only answer.
I’m fully prepared to take up this occupation immediately and with feather boas streaming in my wake. I’m well-versed in the lingo, and I think gay porn is hot, which puts me well ahead of the game.
One question: Would this role call for me to be a top or bottom or would I just watch?
With campy regards and hot frankness,
P.S. Please hasten your response. I’m slowly being melted into a puddle of sticky goo by His Gay Hotness’s eyes. Gurgle.
(I adore him! Don’t judge me!)