Cough Splutter Gag

I’m sick. I woke up on Sunday feeling like I’d been run over (repeatedly) with a fever of 101. Here’s what happened when I went to the doctor on Monday.

“Good news!” doc says. “It’s not the flu!”
“Well, what is it?” I asked.
“You’ve got the crud,” he answered.
“You just made that up, didn’t you,” I grumbled inbetween coughing up chunks of my spleen.
“Here’s some samples and a prescription. Feel better!” And then he ran.

The crud. I’ve got the crud. What the fuck is the crud? Damn you, western medicine!

So I’ve been out of work all week. I’m pretty sure most of my internal organs have been coughed up, so I’m not sure how I’m still alive. Must be the antibiotics. But hey, at least it’s not the flu! Fucking quack.

Here’s a lame-ass haiku dedicated to my sickness.

spleen done got away
intestine sobs in mute pain
liver is laughing

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6 Responses to Cough Splutter Gag

  1. Jay says:

    Is that anything like the Phage from Star Trek? Or how my obese Aunt says she has “the sugar blood?”

  2. Well, I haven’t had to steal any organs from unwilling donors, and my skin isn’t sloughing off, so I’m pretty sure we can rule out the Phage. And while the sugarbeetus hasn’t ever made me cough up body parts, I’m not ruling it out as a culprit. It’s a sneaky bastard.

  3. Chris says:

    Kudos for getting to the doctor quickly. I let mine fester until I could barely remember my own name.

  4. Chris, your survival gives me hope.

  5. kyknoord says:

    Holy fuck! I had the very same thing last week. Is this just a trans-Atlantic phenomenon, or the very first metademic?

  6. Anja says:

    The crud is a medical term for – I’ve got no fucking idea what’s wrong with you, but take these and you will feel better.

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