Yes, My Master

Good news, everyone! My heat is fixed, and so is my ass!

I had a lovely Imbolc yesterday, and hope all of my heathen pals did as well (and to all you pagan peeps in the southern hemisphere, I hope you had a lovely Lammas). I especially enjoy the part where we sacrifice the virgins and make poppets from their hair. It’s really difficult to find a virgin in this day and age, so those follicle dollies are priceless. And yes, everything but the first sentence was made up… well, except for the part about virgins being hard to find.

In other news, I had an amazing experience a couple of Friday’s ago. Every six months or so we have a spirituality festival in town, with jewelry vendors, reiki junk, biomat thingies, aura photography, and all sorts of other woo-woo activities. I made an appointment with this man who is sort of like a seer, but cooler. He looks inside a person (ew!) and does a drawing of their spirit guide. My spirit guide is rare and powerful and one of the most enlightened and knowledgeable of them all. Which makes me better than everyone else. I always knew it was true, but now I have visual proof. His name is Master Rakoczi, aka the Count of St. Germain. He’s a dark lord of the Sith and… wait, that’s not right. He was bitten by a radioactive spider when he was in… no, that’s not right either. Whatever. He’s awesome and you’re jealous that he’s MY spirit guide and not yours! Here’s the picture.

Yes, my Master. I will do thy bidding and bring Xenu and Tom Cruise together again. In accordance with the prophecy.

Yes, my Master. I will do thy bidding and bring Xenu and Tom Cruise together again. In accordance with the prophecy.

Unfortunately, he kind of looks like a child molester, but it’s okay, because he’s enlightened and will guide me in my life’s work (which involves obtaining all of the money in the universe and building a spaceship to reunite Xenu with Tom Cruise). Spirit guide drawer seer man told me so.

One of the things I most look forward to at these spirituality festivals is the aura-mo-meter (just pretend that’s what it’s really called). I love to see the differences in my aura from picture to picture depending on my health and mood. However, this time, my aura was “leaking” energy. It’s usually defined around the edges, but this time it was whispy – although, it did have more yellow and violet in it, which means I’m intelligent and enlightened and a little bit psychic (or is it psychotic?). Just like my evil Sith master… er, spirit guide. Here’s a picture (sans me because of my anonymity yo).

Aura leakage (at the top). Completely unrelated to anal leakage.  I hope.

Aura leakage (at the top). Completely unrelated to anal leakage. I hope.

Wow. The silhouette I created by deleting myself from the image looks like Emperor Palpatine. “Now witness the firepower of this FULLY operational Battlestation!” I’m the mastah, you padawan beyotches!


Anyway, now I’ve got to work on healing that whispy shit up with some meditation. I can’t be going around leaking my aura all over people! It’s not sanitary! And it’s like you’re all stealing my spirit! Stop eating my soul, you beelzebubbas!

Maybe it was medication I needed, not meditation.


10 Responses to Yes, My Master

  1. nursemyra says:

    I could probably help you with any anal leakage you might experience…..

  2. Ryan says:

    Having Raffi as your spirit guide is terribly lame, but all your Star Wars talk is making me hot.

  3. kyknoord says:

    Looks like my car battery has the same problem as your aura. My usual healing mantra, “startyoufuckingpieceofshit” isn’t working.

  4. Jay says:

    Your guide looks like the errant offspring of Rasputin and my lecherous 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Splittgerber.

    And is Nurse Myra insinuating what I think she is? I think it’s time for a guest blog!

  5. NM: Thanks! I think. 😉

    Ryan: And now young Skywalker… You. Will. DIE. (for saying my spirit guide is lame… even though he kinda is)

    Kyknoord: Try kicking it. It probably won’t help, but it might make you feel better.

    Jay: Do you think she’s offering kinky sexual favors? If so, call me NM. 😉

  6. Crystal says:

    i like it when raffi sings baby baluga.

  7. Anja says:

    Good to know your ass is fixed. Nothing worse than a leaky ass.

  8. trishatruly says:

    I snuck over here after reading one of your comments to Anja. Hoo-ee! I’ll be back to check out more! I just read the last three posts you wrote and I love it!
    I am currently in ((gaggg) cutesy mode over at my place so don’t bother lookin’. When this current project is finished I feel a nasty pice-o-sh*t blog comin’ on.
    ps: what’s a poppet?

  9. Well, thank you, Trisha! It makes me feel all ooshy inside when someone recognizes my genius. Hah! 😉

  10. Oh, and a poppet is like a hand-made puppet or dollie.

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