So I woke up this morning to… silence. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew it was way, too quiet. This kind of quiet is the kind that usually precedes a category 5 tornado, a 27 car pile-up on the freeway, an attack by rabid woodland creatures, a fatal hug from a Yeti (snow makes it quiet), or the apocalypse, so I reeeeeally didn’t want to get out of bed. In my mind, I could hear an overzealous Yeti breathing on the other side of my bedroom door, and I could picture a frothing-at-the-mouth Bambi growling and prancing drunkenly on my back porch. It just didn’t seem like a good idea. Better to stay under the covers where it’s warm and… hey. Waitaminute. The covers are usually flung all over the place when I wake up. The realization hit me that I was not just under the covers, but snuggled and toasty and comfy and warm under the covers. And if the tip of my nose was any indication, it was really, really cold outside of my cozy burrow.
Why so cold? And why so quiet? What was different? And what was that burning smell? Was Yeti making breakfast?
I arose from my den of sin (I wish), and opened my bedroom door. And immediately closed it again because in order to rove the arctic tundra, you need clothes. So I yanked on some duds and tried again. Better, but still fucking frigid. The fact that Yeti was not making my breakfast was even more cause for concern, because the burning smell was worse. And WTF? It’s 53 in here! If someone made a campfire in my living room it really should be warmer than 53. And it should smell like s’mores, not burning hair.
Once I woke up enough to realize it was my HEAT causing the burning smell, I immediately cut it off at the thermostat (it wasn’t on anyway – which explains the silence) and made a phone call demanding someone come fix my stuff. You get here and service me now! Make me hot! My nipples are about to break a window! Hurry! Ow!
Turns out my heating unit blew up, caught on fire, melted it’s innards, and the repair guy said he was surprised my house was still standing. That made me feel loads better. I should have poked his eye out with a nipple.
So. Yeah. $5k for a new heating unit. And they can’t work me in until Friday. I’m staying in my living room (with all other rooms closed off) and bought two big electric heaters, but IT’S STILL FUCKING COLD!
Someone come spoon me. Like, now. And I might also need you to cuddle my pipes so they don’t burst, k?