Business Rules

Dear Assratchet-mofo,

Every time you (or one of your miscreant compadres) call, you make my heart pound with hatred. When you talk in circles and never come to the point and try to pick a fight and blame everyone but yourself, it makes me feel like we’re fuck-buddies gone bad instead of business associates. I get the feeling you’ve been ass-raped by your superiors one too many times, and maybe that’s why you try so hard to do the same to others. Or maybe it’s the other way around, and you have an aching need for someone to shove a fist up your bum because no one there loves you enough to dominate you.

I can picture your beady, little eyes protruding from your shrunken noggin whenever I’m making a point that you can’t refute. And your face is surely a hiddeous shade of purple as you bluster and posture about everything that our calls have nothing to do with. I’m sure it’s also true that you can’t achieve an erection, and you probably blame someone else for that, as well. But it’s all you, you pathetic imbecile.

I think it must be a business rule that every corporation is required to have a group of untrained monkeys “working” toward obscurity. However, I refuse to stand still and let you fling your poo at me. It’s your feces, you frolic in it.

To conclude, I would like to hypothesize that the miniscule size of your penis is probably what’s really to blame here. Some guys think with their dicks, and it works for them. But in your case, I’d advise against using that little raisin as a cerebral instrument. And since I’ve pretty much established that you don’t really have the equipment to truly be called a man, my advice to you is to amputate that sorry appendage (sorry guy readers! love you!), and become a woman. Maybe, if you’re really lucky and wear some sexy shit to work, some senior VP will use you up and toss your sorry ass to the curb. Only then will you realize the truth of your worth: You are a whore for the man, and not very good at that.

Sincerest Disregards,

Faux Pas

P.S. Lose my number.

[In case it wasn’t clear, I had an extraordinarily craptastic day at work.]


5 Responses to Business Rules

  1. Pure Evyl says:

    Excellent use of the word assratchet.

  2. Anja says:

    Beautiful. Eloquent venom and so well delivered.

  3. Jay says:

    What the hell? All I did was call and ask you for some help with a spreadsheet.

  4. kyknoord says:

    The really sad thing? This could apply to virtually any of the middle-management morons in my organisation. You sure you don’t work on the first floor of my office?

  5. […] And if the day wasn’t bad enough already, these assholes called me again just as I was about to leave work. Apparently, they can’t read, because my […]

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