Rectal Rictus

There’s something wrong with my bowels. I know you don’t care, and you’d rather not hear about someone else’s hiney issues, but I don’t give a shit (hah!) because my arse is in trouble.

Ever since my bout with explosive diarrhea the other night, my innards have been churning and gurgling like an excretory geyser. I’m still at work right now because I’m afraid to get up out of my chair. If I get up, there will be a shift in musculature down there, and who knows if the sphincter will hold.

If my boss comes in tomorrow and finds I’ve engaged in unauthorized redecorating (who chose this color of… is it brown?!), he might become… displeased with me. If that happens, I might have to reassume some of the unpleasant tasks I’ve parceled out to my lowly minions to prove my dedication and loyalty. Any more crap (hah! again!) on my already full plate would seriously cut into my interneck time. If I can’t play on the net, what’s the fucking point of coming to the orifice office?! My job could actually turn in to WORK! This is all YOUR fault! I hate you, anus!

Gross, I know. But I had to tell everyone someone.

Also, my lips are chapped.

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10 Responses to Rectal Rictus

  1. Jay says:

    Note to self: stop trolling blogs whilst eating chili.

  2. The Grunt says:

    We live in the future, right? There should be a bio-engineered underwear that lives off of excrement and turns it into positive vibes. As for getting hit with the screamin’ demons, my condolences.

  3. Jay: Good advice for everyone. I hope your bowels stayed in place while reading about my mutinous sphincter.

    Grunt: Hells yeah! Someone needs to get on the ball and manufacture a stillsuit, like in Dune. I’d so totally invest in that.

  4. Pure Evyl says:

    There is nothing worse than a job turning into work. It must be avoided at all costs.

  5. kyknoord says:

    You don’t think there might be a cause/effect relationship between your intestinal woes and (presumably) disgruntled minions? This could be mutiny. I say find the ringleader and make an example of him or her!

  6. cynical says:

    I can’t help but wonder if the chapped lips are at all related to that ass-itis. Please keep us posted!

  7. Ryan says:

    I hope the lack of follow up isn’t due to a leakage related firing.

  8. nursemyra says:

    there can never be too much information for nurses. more please…..

  9. Anja says:

    Chapped lips and unpredictable anus. Hey, that sounds like a good country and western song title.

  10. Evyl: True dat.

    kyknoord: Argh! Those frakkin’ minions have been slipping me laxatives! Penalty: death.

    cynical: Yep. Dehydration from all the diarrhea. Ew. 😉

    Ryan: No, the office is not painted brown… yet.

    Nursemyra: You’re sick. I like you. 😉

    Anja: Ain’t that the truth!

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