Full Disclosure

I’ve decided that my resolution for this year is to get laid.  At least once.

Unfortunately, my resolve is to be delayed by my best friend who has nothing better to do (because her life revolves around me and without me she is nothing) than invade my loveshack home with her hooker boots and honkey-tonk badonkadonk and force me to drink alcohol until I pass out rather than allow me to ply my jugs wares on some unsuspecting manwhore.

When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your best friend’s eyes.  That way, she won’t see when you steal her hooker boots to aid you in your whoring quest for manflesh.

Since I won’t be gittin’ the real thang, here’s a haiku for BOB. That’s Battery Operated Boyfriend, for those of you who actually remember what sex with a living person is like.

you never complain
or roll over and pass out
sure wish you could cook

Happy New Year, cheeky monkeys!!


6 Responses to Full Disclosure

  1. Pure Evyl says:

    Good luck with that resolution. If I could be of any assistance shoot me an e-mail. I’m a nice guy like that always offering help and stuff.

  2. anja says:

    I just knew some Southern Comfort would be on the menu from Evyl.

    If you want the Aussie approach, here ’tis.

    Thigh high boots, blood red lipstick, black dress that barely covers your ass. Walk up to the manwhore of your choice, look him right in the eye, and say, “fuck me, bitch.”

    Give it a try, it can’t hurt.

  3. The sexy best friend says:

    I would of course allow you to borrow my 4 inch hooker boots, but as I would fear for your life (since you are clumsy and can’t walk in sneakers) I would rather not suffer your broken hip on my conscience. But as I am all for everyone getting laid, I will make sure that you don’t have a date with anything that does not require batteries before I come to see you. 🙂 Love ya sis!!!!!!

  4. Evyl: I know where you live. I’ll be right over. Shhh… don’t be scared. 😉

    Anja: I like the way you think! It’s too bad most “men” around here freak (like a madcap hobbit’s about to crawl up their arse looking for “precious”) if a woman looks them in the eye, much less propositions them. Make up your couch! I’m moving to Australia! 😀

    Sis: I hate you. Seriously. You didn’t bring the hooker boots on New Year’s Eve. You’re so fucking selfish. And stop making fun of my inability to keep upright! You suck! Next time I topple over, it’s going to be on YOU. I crush your head like beeg water balloon! Love ya back!!! Turd. 😛

  5. The sexy best friend says:

    I suppose that I can understand your “inability to keep upright” since you have spent most of your life on your back. Perhaps I can help you out and find some orthopedic hooker boots. 😛

  6. Sis: Next time you come over, I expect to see a shoe box in your arms.

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