Xenu vs. Thetan

If you’re a Scientologist, don’t read this entry. In fact, click away from my blog because I don’t want to catch your crazy. For real. Go away.

My best friend and her husband stayed with me this weekend. They do that a lot, mostly because of how awesome I am. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I live on the lake. Seriously. It’s because I rock.

Anyway, I showed her the video that proves Tom Cruise’s questionable sanity, and we both agreed that he is a ginormous bag of bollocks. However, since he made the inference that Scientology was going to save the universe, we decided to try to find out more about it, just in case. It would suck if we missed out, after all.

We visited the Scientology website, and were pleasantly surprised to find similarities from both Christianity, Buddhism, and Wicca. The videos had seemingly normal people, all touting the wonder and joy of being a Scientologist, and how their only goal in life was to “help” people. However, they really didn’t say much about how they helped people, so we had to click elsewhere for the skinny.

It was in this essay (as well as on wikipedia) that we learned about how Xenu and the Marcab Confederation solved galactic overpopulation 75 million years ago.

Um, say what?!? I consider myself a very open-minded person, but I try to steer clear of concepts that might cause me to be declared, oh, I don’t know… clinically insane.

Scientologists, in a nutshell (stress on the “nut”), believe the following is a factual account:

Xenu, who was the galactic overlord 75 million years ago, created a fake tax audit for the 76 planets of the Confederation (of which Earth – known as Teegeeack – was a member), and when the people showed up with their receipts, he hit them on the head with a club, froze them (with a solution of alcohol and glycol – because their technology was so much more advanced), put them into spaceships that looked like airplanes but had rocket engines, dumped them around volcanoes on Earth (Teegeeack), dropped hydrogen bombs on the volcanoes, captured the souls of the murdered aliens in electronic traps, and forced said souls to watch 3D videos. These souls later attached themselves (in clusters of a few thousand) to living Earthlings and are the root cause of the “false reality” we call religion.

Until this information was made public (via a court case and the internet) it was only after forking out around $300k in “auditing” fees that the “truth” of Scientology was revealed to its upper level Operating Thetans.

So now we know how they help people (into straight-jackets). Sign me up, hoss! (And here I thought that Southpark episode about Scientology was just a spoof.)

And now, because I’ve expressed an anti-Scientology opinion on my website, I will probably be maked as an “SP” (Suppressive Person), and ignored and shunned by Scientologists everywhere. Right on! I can’t tell you how relieved I am that the enemies of Xenu will not be knocking on my door trying to save me from a slew of not-so-freshly snuffed extraterrestrials. And where the hell are all the aliens who didn’t get popped? Did they commit Xenucide?

I have one parting comment for Scientologists everywhere:

Get thee behind me, Thetan!

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4 Responses to Xenu vs. Thetan

  1. Pure Evyl says:

    I can just picture L. Ron Hubbard laughing his ass off somewhere that anyone took his shit seriously.

  2. I read on one of those links that he said, “if you want to make a million dollars, you should start a religion.” He turned a sci-fi story into a money-making cult, so he probably IS laughing his ass off, wherever he is. The man knew how to herd sheep!

  3. Chris says:

    Dig further and you will find a slew of Nazi like tactics that would curl your toes.

  4. […] work (which involves obtaining all of the money in the universe and building a spaceship to reunite Xenu with Tom Cruise). Spirit guide drawer seer man told me […]

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