For some reason, last night I started thinking about all of the time I’ve spent over the years trying to force myself to believe in ideas and ideals that never made any sense to me, all because I was conditioned to think that believing in anything else was wrong. I’ve learned so much since finally taking that first step on my true path, and the more I thought about it, the more it just pissed me off.
All those wasted years. All of the guilt, self-loathing, self-doubt, repression, depression. It all boiled over last night while I was laying in bed, and I wanted to scream my frustration to the world. I feel complete now, at peace with myself, happy in my choices, and I couldn’t help but wonder how much potential I’ve squandered due to fear and misplaced trust in a religion that never was meant for me.
I never could reconcile those beliefs with what I felt to be true in my heart, which made family life more than a little… inconvenient. I felt a need (and rightly so) to hide my dogma for fear of ridicule and persecution. I was never able to study other religions (especially the ones that were considered “taboo”) openly for the same reason, so I had to learn what I could hiding in a corner of the student library in college, or later, via the internet.
It was only after college that I began to feel more secure about showing my spiritual side, and only within the past couple of years that I’ve found others (two covens, no less!) with which to express my views and enrich my knowledge. These women and men are nothing short of miraculous in their compassion, generosity, understanding, and willingness to listen and discuss spirituality, rather than dictate it. I have never felt more alive and complete and excited about the future.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over the feeling that I was robbed of much of the joy and contentment I could have experienced in my early adult life, but I’m not holding a grudge because much of the fear that held me back was of my own making. I no longer believe in Hell, so the fear of being “cast into the fiery pit” has no hold over me. (It’s YOUR hell. YOU burn in it.)
So, yeah. I was angry. But I’m over it now. Holding on to negativity only gives it power. And I ate some cake. Cake makes everything better.
Here’s an interesting article: Spelling Lessons