For the latter part of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 I’ve been trying to overcome some unhealthy behaviors that have been compromising not only my health, but my intelligence and my sanity (what little I have). Every time I fall back into this destructive pattern, I end up swimming in a sea of self-loathing, and it just reinforces the misconception that I can never get ahead or improve myself.
Well, no more. I finally did something good for myself today, something I kept putting off, something I would always think about doing, but somehow never have the time or the energy to begin. I started exercising. That might not seem like a big thing to some people, but believe me, it’s huge for someone who has lived the past few years as a lumpy couch potato. And while it’s depressing how out of shape I am, I know if I can keep it up, not only will I get better at it, but I’ll also be able to replace my bad behaviors with good ones.
I have a very addictive personality. If something makes me feel good, even if it’s only for a little while, I tend to gravitate towards it and keep doing it, even if it’s bad for me and makes me feel like crap in the long run. I’m hoping exercise will be just as addictive as the unhealthy alternatives.
I also quit smoking again and am back on Weight Watchers. I have a buddy this time with both the exercise and eating healthier, so I’m hoping we can keep each other in check. We won’t be able to work out together (she and her husband live about 45 minutes from me), but we are going to use phone and email support to keep each other inspired and on track. We both love good food, so it might be tough, but I was surprised by how motivated she was when we talked about this yesterday, and doubly surprised by how much I was motivated by her enthusiasm.
I normally don’t tell anyone when I make drastic changes in my lifestyle because my success rate is, well, nonexistent. If I announce my proposed changes and then fail, it just means more people know about it, which makes the failure palpably mortifying as opposed to silently humiliating if I tell no one. But maybe if I can learn from my shortcomings and celebrate my successes, I’ll finally be able to make lasting, positive changes in myself.
I might even admit how much I used to weigh someday. But not today.